I’m on the first of what will be many budget flights. This one is from Coollangatta on the Gold Coast to Kuala Lumpur. It’s now 3.15am Malaysian time or 5.15am Australian. I don’t think anyone is actually sleeping except for the man or woman two rows behind me who sounds like he has a combination of an extremely bad cold and snoring that would make a walrus proud.

I have just realised that budget airlines are crap. You have to pay for water! You can’t bring water on board that’s more than 100 mls – my 250 ml fruitbox was taken by the baggage screening staff. I’m not sure what kind of security risk a 250 ml fruitbox poses – obviously it’s a high level threat.

Do they prefer their passengers to suffer? The irony is that the inflight magazine has a lengthy article on how important hydration is while flying. You’ve read the article, now buy some water!

To my left across the aisle is another guy with a terrible cold if not full blown swine flu. Only two hours to go.

If you prepay for food the quality and serving size are pathetic. It cost 19 ringgit for a meal. 19 RM in KL would buy a pretty fabulous feed. They give you a 250ml bottle of water with your lite-n-easy serving size of chicken curry. But don’t think of trying to fill up the empty bottle with water from the bathroom tap because that’s right - there are signs that say the water isn’t fit for drinking. Are they accurate? – I wasn’t game to risk it. I’m going to get swine flu from the walrus behind and the man on my left – may as well go for a course of diarrhoea as well. I decided to pay the four ringgit for 250 mls of finest Malaysian bottled tap water.

Even though the fleet is modern – this is a relatively new Airbus – it’s basically a cattle truck. The seats don’t recline in the usual manner. You push the button on the side of the seat and instead of pushing back you have to violently jerk your seat forward. The whole seat sort of slides forward four centimeters leaving you with less leg-room and no actual feeling of being in any sense reclined whatsoever.

The entertainment system that on other airlines is free is entirely pay-for-view/listen. The only thing you can watch for free is the map that shows the little toy plane crawling across the screen. I’ve seen all the movies and heard all the music anyway.

Have you ever noticed that if you’re watching a movie, any sort of cabin announcement will either pause or interrupt the movie? I find this more annoying than ads on television. The only announcement that should cause a break in the movie should be of the sort, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is the captain. I regret that all four engines including the spare have failed. Make your prayers to your God or personal demons because the unknown awaits. Thank you.” Not, “Ladies and gentlemen, headphones are available for purchase from the cabin crew for only 28 ringgit for your listening pleasure.”

The girlfriend of the diseased man on my left has just appeared out of the murk of the dimmed cabin. She’s obviously not too worried about getting his germs because she’s just stuck her tongue down his throat or maybe it’s his tongue down her throat. Either way those germs are getting unrestricted travel.
I think I miss the care factor – alright on proper airlines it’s irritating when they ask if you to return your seat to the upright position and to tighten your seat belt but it shows they’re doing their job. On this flight no one checked.


One hour and fifty minutes to KL.